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Never could identify myself as well with Holden Caulfield!

posted by Aish @ 9:23 AM 3 comments

A visit to my daughter's doc

Sanju has actually been putting on weight recently- .leading me to hope that the VSD is becoming insignificant or has made its way out. I was so hopeful, no sure, that this was the first visit to the doc unaccompanied by sheer nervous tension. You dont know how Sanj's doc visits have been for me- all an exercise worse than chinese torture. I am perpetually worried to the point of exhaustion- whats her weight gain like? Is she developing normally? HAS HER VSD BECOME SMALLER??? I dont think anyone, with the possible exception of my parents, understands what I go through each time. Ever since I moved back to the IL's place, all this tension has multiplied by about 10 times. or hundred. At this scale, it is kinda difficult to pin down on a number. A thousand suggestions that Sanjana is ridiculously underweight (YES, I KNOW SHE IS! WHAT THE F**** DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?), that she is physically underdeveloped (BULL! SHE IS A VERY BRIGHT, ACTIVE, PLAYFUL CHILD, ALBEIT WITH A VERY, VERY WORRIED MOTHER. WHOSE WORRY ONLY DOUBLES WHEN YOU MAKE RIDICULOUS STATEMENTS IMPLYING HER BRAIN DEVELOPOMENT IS BELOW PAR). Folks, have some sensitivity for my feelings, alright? Please?
Anyway. This time, I was sure the doc would say the VSD was insignificant, and it was quite a shock when he said it seems to be the same size as earlier. Is there no justice in the world?
Yeah, I know. I keep telling myself a VSD is probably the least troublesome of the afflictions Sanjana could possibly have had - atleast, its treatable, with the worst case - surgery - having a close to 100% succcess rate. And inspite of what the MIL implies, Sanj is a VERY BRIGHT, HAPPY baby. She is very active, and her development milestones have been met on target, more or less.
Hardly a day goes past when I dont wish I hadnt noted her breathing heavily at the hospital, because of which the VSD was detected, in the first place. But I know thats foolish. Logically, that is. Atleast we are treating/monitoring her now! And its not like this is life threatening or anything.

Labels: Sanjana

posted by Aish @ 1:39 PM 2 comments

TOI Actually has a decent, readable article.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/1733417.cms

posted by Aish @ 10:28 AM 0 comments

Since 2003

General stuff. No Title. Can't think of one.
Some phrases I have heard:
"You should have spoken to us about this earlier"
"You be careful about yourself"
"Make your stance very clear"
"Be able to say 'Go to hell'" (Yeah, and that would have removed all problems in one fell swoop)
"You know you are wrong"
"You know you are right" (Little do they know - they are both wrong)

You know what? At the end of the day, I am too tired, too lacking in hope, to do anything but exist. I can't be troubled to plan or strategize. I have grown to intensely dislike people I really wanted to love. And dislike people I used to love. Not to mention feeling disappointed in those I looked up to.

Spark? Where would I go for spark, can't even locate the b**** ember.

Folks, you know who gets the award for the "Screwing up a life of a lifetime"

posted by Aish @ 4:55 PM 0 comments

Self Introspection

Why is it that, when you call one of my posts "raw, but provoking", I find "Raw" complimentary? As in, I take THAT to be a compliment? Would it be as provoking if it were not raw?

posted by Aish @ 5:17 PM 0 comments

The Mirror - By Sylvia Plath

Mirror
I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
What ever you see I swallow immediately
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike .
I am not cruel, only truthful---
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.
Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.

-- Sylvia Plath

This one really strikes a chord - I find "I am not cruel, only truthful" very interesting. Kindness and Honesty are strange bedfellows. 100% truthful is always cruel at some point of time of the other, right?

Labels: Poetry

posted by Aish @ 5:11 PM 6 comments