All about a mother's selfless love and all that
Why my love for Sanjana should make it to one of those soppy movie scripts
1. Sanjana will never love me as much as I love her
2. Whats more, I don't want her to love me as much. I would much rather she reserves that love for someone who's going to be by her side through all of life's trials and tribulations.
3. After 30 years, when I am old and enfeebled and all that, I wouldnt want Sanj to be at my beck and call and take care of me, because "she is my own". I would rather she hired a nurse to take care of me, and dropped in to see me - say once a week or twice a month or so. This, of course, does not mean the reverse- if ever Sanj needs me, I will drop ANYTHING I have at hand and attend to her IMMEDIATELY
4. I expect nothing, absolutely NOTHING from her. (Well, love for me would be nice, but I would settle for a pleasant friendship)
5. She is the biggest project in my life- I read to her, hoping to stimulate an interest in books, I sing to her, hoping to get her to appreciate classical music, I take her for walks, hoping to instill an interest in the world around her... But I dont think she could ever disappoint me if ANY of the above did not materialize.
I guess this follows from my philosophy of parenthood. If you bring a life in to the world, you have the moral responsibility to give her (or him) as strong a foundation as you can, to ensure he is prepared to face the world.
And it also makes me feel - If I loved everyone around me half as much as I love Sanj, life would be a lot easier. and simpler.
Labels: Sanjana, Thoughts
When I feel vindicated abt what I do as a parent - II
I was quite proud of myself, they way I started teaching Sanj Counting, and the difference between left and right. Yes, Its my trumpet, and so I shall blow! :)
Sanj already got the hang of one-two-three, but not of counting per se. I started saying, "How many hands does Sanju have?"- one hand, two hands, and so on for eyes, feet mouth and nose. But what really took me by surprise was when the shopgirl at the nearby clothes shop took sanj out and came back,telling me excitedly, "madam, she is counting". Apparently Sanj went one dog, two dog and so on. This was last night.
This mornng, I dumped the shapes board (The one with all those shapes and the pegs that fit into each of them) in fronjt of her- and she got them right in no time!
For left and right- the credit goes to trust Dr Seuss. I bought "The Foot Book" from one of those second hand places in mount road. Sanj is particularly excited by "Feet Feet Feet - How Many Many feet you meet!". She manages to point to her left and right feet when asked - not sure whether its conscious, though. It could well be like the time she learned to say cow. I was trying to wean her away from "Horse", teaching her "Cow". I got terribly excited until I caught her calling everything fromm the mail box on the front gate to the water in her sipper "Cow". And nothing else.
My next target is colors. Time for Landmark!! :)
Labels: Sanjana
Tugging at the heart strings - Part II
I snuggle up next to a sleeping sanj- who, disturbed, puts her hands out trying to reach (I hope!) me. She encounters my face, and immediately settles down. Runs her hands over my face, and gives me a kiss while asleep.
Labels: Sanjana
Tugging at the heart strings
Showing Sanj the horse that sits atop the TV and asking her to identify eyes, ears, legs and so forth. Inspiration strikes and I ask her- "Whither Hands?". Kodak moment - Sanj investigating the horse trying to find the hands. True investigation, because she grabs the horse with her right hand and turns it all over, trying to locate the hands.
Incidentally, this is my first post after I turned 28 (boo hoo), which means... absolutely nothing, actually. There has been a gradual decline of "birthday feeling" - the excitement that used to come with every birthday. This is the first year it has been at an absolute nil. no feeling, nothing. na da. And this is the reason Unni is still alive. He forgot my birthday
inspite of my having reminded him about it earlier this week.
Labels: anniversary, Sanjana
Message for Sanjana
Happiness is elusive. You think you have it in your hands, and the next second, it has slipped out. It comes in a flash. And can be identified and trapped only by the owner in question. Only you can control your happiness.
Inspite of its inherent slippery nature, you will encounter it quite often. The trick then, is to make sure you hold it down every time. The pursuit of true happiness should be your aim in life. Every thing else,is, afterall, secondary.
Where you might encounter trouble is- when your happiness conflicts with that of someone you care about. At these times, I would urge you to remember that
a) You have to be fair and honest in your dealings. If the pursuit of happiness makes you breach one of these, well, it has become a pursuit of self and
b) Anyone worthy of your love should not resort to emotinal blackmail and should be happy about anything that makes you happy.
Which brings about a message for myself- Never will I let tradition/convention/social mores/someone's preconcieved ideas interfere with my daughter's happiness. Having brought a child into this world, it is my responsibility to ensure that she has unconditional love, irrespective of ANYTHING else.
Just wanted to note it down- should have something to remind me of how I felt now, say some 20 years hence.
Labels: Sanjana
Pharyngitis
Ringo Starr was the much overlooked member of the Beatles, in the sense he never really had the chance to express his talent in the form of songs, lyrics and such like, being overshwadowed (very well) by McCartney & Lennon. He is believed to have said it was like "having diahrroea & not being able to use the loo". I flatter myself thinking I am in a similar predicament. I was trying desparately to sing "knick-knack paddywack give a dog a bone - this old man came rolling him" and around the give a dog a bone my voice went all wooo-wooo waverly off tune (Yes, MUCH worse than normal, for all of you smartalecks). Pharyngitis.
It started this morning when I woke up to Sanj's alarm. Suresh asked me the time, and while I kept saying 5:00, 5:00, he dint seem to hear anything. I screamed to the best of my ability (and boy, am I profiicent at that!), and Suresh "What happened to your voice?". Pharyngitis happened Dr ENT Surgeon. Might I add that it happed because I have been happily disregarding my medication for cold and cough for over 2 mths now. Suresh left me with strict instructions not to speak AT ALL. I need to get this checked with another ENT, though. He prescribes complete voice rest too often to me. I wonder if the treatment is for my benefit or for his. Imagine, I start screaming - how much easier it would be to say "Shh... Voice Rest!!!", than to say "You are overreacting, thats not what I meant...".
Plus ofcourse, there are added benefits- I cant carry a tune to save my life now. And normally I am humming something or the other incessantly. To soothe my ego, I am forced to stop singing now. What bliss for poor Suresh.
Never fear, though. I be back, a la Arnold.
Labels: Nothin, Sanjana
Important Post, long overdue
The one where I visited Sanj's cardiologist and actually came back feeling happy.
Yeah. Finally a post where there is real good news- "Very small, closing hole" was the verdict. Thank you, God. Thank you, doctor. Thank you, thank you. I cant repeat the words often enough.
No surgery will be needed, ever. And in any case, the hole is likely to close up anytime now. And, most important, we have stopped the meds for her heart.
Of course, this happened a couple of months ago. Have been putting off writing about it, though, dont know why.
Even when we were waiting for the doc to come in, Suresh & I never expected to hear news as fantastic as this was- at max, we were expecting to hear that the hole had become smaller still, and that the prognosis is good or some such wishy-washy info docs throw at their patients, when there is nothing better that they can say. I wanted to stock up on Sanj's heart meds, and Suresh was suggesting we wait until after meeting the doc- just in case there are other meds he prescribes. Its like Pavlov's dog- every visit to Dr Ranjit, and I would be filled with anxiety and suspense- woould he how tell us the hole is gone? Would he? and each time has ended in bitter disappointment, tears, depression. Except this time. Ironically enough, I had gotten so used to Dr R saying she is mending, that I did not expect anything better this time. It was a surprise to actually hear him say its almost gone!
I will have to strive to get used to normalcy now. The VSD was such a dark cloud that was always hovering around me, and now that it is removed, I find myself groping around, trying to get accustomed to bright light after an extended period in the dark.
Labels: Sanjana
Echoes from over a year ago
Two of the nicest things I heard after Sanjana was born came from two of the wisest people I know - Meet & Sudeep
Sudeep's reaction came when I messaged Sanjana's name after we had finally agreed up on it - Sudeep said "Sanjana" is what he would have named his daughter, were he to have one- and you have no idea how good I felt when I heard that. Sud made me feel so good, and gave the name a quality, an attraction, all at once.
Meet's response was via mail, and typically Meet. Crisp. Meaningful. Beautifully worded. I had sent a jokey mail bemoaning the fact that I got to do all the work of bringing our daughter into the world, but Sanjana does not carry my name for her initial, but Suresh's. Meet said "Nice things happen to people regardless of whose name they are associated with". This mail came a year back, but I still remember this line verbatim, inspite of never having looked at it after that one time. This sentence stays in a corner of my heart, the switch to my personal thousand-watts bulb, that I reach out to during dull and dreary times. That is a blessing for Sanjana that I always treasure.
The funny part is neither S nor M probably realized at that time how important to me the above would be. But then, thats the way life is. The smallest of things often build up to take the greatest significance
But more importantly, thats the way these two brilliant people are. Extremely perceptive and remarkably sensitive to other people. Just the right word or phrase at the perfect time. Meeting them has been one of the really good turns in the long winded, sometimes circuitious, often mountainous path that my life has taken.
Labels: People, Sanjana
Happy Budday Sanjana!
Somebody getme outta here!!
Wow! Train!! :)
Mommy's Pet? Undoubtedly!
The "Traditional Family Photograph"
Sisters in Arms - Sanjana with her cousin Shreya
Labels: Sanjana
One year of parenthood
Sanjana turned 1 yesterday. A year full of joy, laughter, tears, anger, sorrow and what not. Not feeling particularly sentimental about it, though. Just the realization that I am growing old :((. I wanted to leave early and was telling my boss "Its my daughter's birthday", and he says "And you came to office? Why?". What a funny question. The hookey is for MY benefit, not Sanjana's. She doesn't even KNOW its her birthday. Or what a birthday is, for that matter. I want to have good memories of her birthday.
On a related note- picked up this link from a comment on Sepia Mutiny: http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/story?id=2528258&page=1
Really touched me. But there are pros and cons to the story.
For one, Breast Milk is good for infants. But its importance is over touted. Its not normally a do-or-die thing. Really makes me wonder if the money and the effort invested in feeding breast milk to a kid in South Africa could have fed many more on formula. And at the end of the day, its the results that matter. Many of these feel-good initiatives are not too efficient when it comes to serving the purpose - which is to help kids world around. And its very important that we do not lose focus from that.
Labels: Sanjana
When I feel vindicated abt what I do as a parent
Buying books for Sanjana. Folks generally laughed at me when I bought a Dr Seuss for Sanjana when she was about 6 months old- but guess what? Today she actually seems to enjoy my reading out from it!
I bought "Hop On Pop" by Dr Seuss- I have always felt bad about not having been introduced to Dr. Seuss as a kid- and she always liked it. Ofcourse, I bring my silliness into full force (not that thats difficult with Dr Seuss- You cant possibly say "Three Tree - Three Fish
IN Tree - Fish in A Tree, HOW can that BEEEEEE", be serious when you do).
Sanjana laughs at this. Suresh of course, cribs that I pay 300 bucks for a book of 10 pages, and that too, for a kid who cant talk yet, talk about read. Philistine!! :))
Now her collection has expanded - she has an ABC book, a "Spot's Birthday Party" book, a book of nursery rhymes, A touch and Feel book of pets (Suresh: 5 pages for 300 bucks).
I had always hoped that any child of mine would grow up to be happy, confident, secure (of their mother's love, that is). These are generic hopes. Specific to ME, I would love them to be fond of books. That is close to a desparation with me. I married into a family where the only books that are approved are "educational" types. At max, the self-improvement type (yikes). Small wonder that I feel exhilarated when I detect INTEREST in sanj while I read out to her. Today was probably the first time she seemed to relate the text and the accompanying pictures. Keats' Cortez's feelings are nothing to how HAPPY I felt.
Its a curse of mom-dom, to go on about their kidsl, though I have spared you from it auite a bit. You have to forgive the occassional lapse, though!
Labels: Sanjana
A visit to my daughter's doc
Sanju has actually been putting on weight recently- .leading me to hope that the VSD is becoming insignificant or has made its way out. I was so hopeful, no sure, that this was the first visit to the doc unaccompanied by sheer nervous tension. You dont know how Sanj's doc visits have been for me- all an exercise worse than chinese torture. I am perpetually worried to the point of exhaustion- whats her weight gain like? Is she developing normally? HAS HER VSD BECOME SMALLER??? I dont think anyone, with the possible exception of my parents, understands what I go through each time. Ever since I moved back to the IL's place, all this tension has multiplied by about 10 times. or hundred. At this scale, it is kinda difficult to pin down on a number. A thousand suggestions that Sanjana is ridiculously underweight (YES, I KNOW SHE IS! WHAT THE F**** DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?), that she is physically underdeveloped (BULL! SHE IS A VERY BRIGHT, ACTIVE, PLAYFUL CHILD, ALBEIT WITH A VERY, VERY WORRIED MOTHER. WHOSE WORRY ONLY DOUBLES WHEN YOU MAKE RIDICULOUS STATEMENTS IMPLYING HER BRAIN DEVELOPOMENT IS BELOW PAR). Folks, have some sensitivity for my feelings, alright? Please?
Anyway. This time, I was sure the doc would say the VSD was insignificant, and it was quite a shock when he said it seems to be the same size as earlier. Is there no justice in the world?
Yeah, I know. I keep telling myself a VSD is probably the least troublesome of the afflictions Sanjana could possibly have had - atleast, its treatable, with the worst case - surgery - having a close to 100% succcess rate. And inspite of what the MIL implies, Sanj is a VERY BRIGHT, HAPPY baby. She is very active, and her development milestones have been met on target, more or less.
Hardly a day goes past when I dont wish I hadnt noted her breathing heavily at the hospital, because of which the VSD was detected, in the first place. But I know thats foolish. Logically, that is. Atleast we are treating/monitoring her now! And its not like this is life threatening or anything.
Labels: Sanjana
Say Hi to Sanjana
Sanju with a very proud mommy
Labels: Sanjana
The "Traditional Family Photograph"
